I am on study leave right now. Tomorrow is going to be my last paper for this semester. I hope that I can score A in both papers. Pray hard that my brain can functioning well tomorrow. Haha.
I had a long leave since last Monday. Great to be off from work for a while. But I still send my baby girl to parents-in-law's place for 3-4hours, or else I don't have time to study.
I don't know, these few days made me thinking. Like, what do i want to do in life actually?
Where actually I'm heading to? Aku ni nak apa sebenarnya? Hmmmm.
Entahlah. Apa aku rambling sekarang pun taktau. But these are the things that keep running in my mind.
Conflict. At the moment, I cannot see myself being a housewife. To be a good mom, I cannot be SAHM. I know myself, I know my limit. Please don't take me wrongly, I love my baby girl so much. But, I know myself better.
I always picture myself having a business and my time is flexible enough to attend my baby girl anytime I want to. You know things like going to work a little bit late, at least when the traffic is getting back to normal. Having lunch with my husband at the restaurant nearby my hubs office, buying groceries on weekdays noon while everyone still in the office. Things like that.
When my hubs and I are at KL during weekends, we always spend some time passing by the U-Thant road. Then, start berangan. Haha. The townhouse is big enough and I love the environment. I always wanted to have a house there. Usually hubs akan layan je angan-angan I ni and ejek-ejek I ni nak berjiran dengan expatriate aje. Haha. Last week, the first time ever he said he wanted to live there too. The only thing is, dengan makan gaji gini, mana la mampu. Memang sangat tak mungkin.
I have one business proposal in my mind and I never told anyone about it. Perhaps it's too ambitious so I thought I don't have to share it with anyone. Setakat angan-angan gitu. I don't know, when hubs said he wanted a house in U-thant too, I terus cakap I have one business proposal in mind, later at night I will present to him. He said okay, and asked why him? For obvious reason, he's the only person I trust whole-heartedly. We never discuss something that serious before this, but everything went well. He likes my idea. Alhamdulillah. We are working towards it now. InshaALLAH. I don't know whether this is going to be big or not. But, it is worth trying.
Apparently, it is not a house in U-thant that we both really want. We both want a financially stable life, stress-free life, flexible working hours and doing things that we love to do. We both have a very dear example, my parents runs a small business. It is just a small business, but they can afford to raise my brother and I. Stress free. They don't have any loan. They don't have to serve interest. Kalau meniaga sehari untung bersih RM50 sehari pun cukup kalau setakat nak makan mewah untuk dorang. Bahagia hidup. Mak I boleh beli barang kemas selalu, mak I tak payah risau pasal nak bayar Bank bila hujung bulan.
So do with my parents-in-law. They have a business, but in bigger scale. Money is not an issue for them. Can afford to have few cars and don't have to worry when the car insurance is due. During the weekend, kalau anak-anak cakap nak pergi KLCC then pergi je. Takyah nak berkira kalau sorang anak nak kasut. Sorang anak lagi nak baju, nak toys, tak payah nak tunggu next gaji.
Bukanlah we both nak hidup mewah. Boleh beli itu ini. What I'm trying to say is we both nak hidup yang takde la bulan-bulan fikir nak bayar bil itu ini, then nak beli barang lain kena tunggu gaji bulan depan. Kadang-kadang gaji bulan depan pun tak boleh nak beli lagi sebab teringat baju anak dah lama tak berganti.
Hah, bercampur aduk punya cerita. I believed, most people has found their path. Nak buat ape in life whatsoever. Tapi bagi I yang mash tercari ni, memang conflict. With the current job yang memang still kena teruskan. Takkan nak drop everything macam tuh aje.
I have a friend, she start a pretzel business in small scale last year. And now her business is getting bigger, she resigned from her current work and focus on her new business. And she now can finally say that she has found what she wanted to do in life at the age of 40. For some people, mudah je nampak hidup dorang. Umur 25 business dah stable and hidup selesa. But for some people, it may take years to realise it. I hope we are not to late for it.