Reflect: Be thankful

Salam :)

Ya Allah. Semalam adalah hari yang paling memenatkan. Penat fizikal, mental dan emosi. Despite of the workloads dan berat badan yang kadang-kadang kaki tak dapat menampung, I received lots of bad news. :(

Pagi-pagi before sampai ofis, a besfriend of mine whatsapp-ed me and told about her husband. Her husband diagnosed with a cancer that spread via blood vessels. Ya Allah, besarnya dugaan dia. Sekelip mata, ditimpa ujian yang amat berat. I termenung sepanjang pagi, thinking how both of them going to face this thing. My friend depends on her husband so much. She don't know how to drive, family sangat tak rapat dan hanya husband dia tempat bergantung.

Later than after lunch she updated me that the doctor just told them that her husband at stage 4 cancer. Betapa luluhnya hati I yang mendengar apatah lagi both of them yang menghadapi. Chemo is the only choice they have, which might effect the husband's fertility. They both still takde anak and my friend dah 2 times miscarriage. She told me she dont give a damn about having a baby right now, she just want her husband to be with her. She has nobody else. All this while, she never cried in front of her husband. She remain calm and she is one strong woman I've ever met. Yesterday was the limit when she cant hold her tears and ran to the bathroom, bukak air kuat-kuat and cried out loud when her husband said, 'Maybe my time has come'. :(

I have no blood relationship with her, but she's like my sister. I can feel her. I rasa sesak dada the whole day. Ya Allah, I cant imagine myself in her shoes. Feeling like want to hug her tightly, convinced her everything will be just fine.

After perform Asar prayers, I received another news, one of my friends yang kawen dah 6years, still takde baby because of tiub fallopio tersumbat and she decided to try the last resort solutions by performing IVF and the pregnancy result after IVF is negative. Ya Allah,  dia bukan dari kalangan orang berada, she took personal loan to perform the IVF which cost her nearly 20K. I saksi di mana hari-hari dia suntik ubat untuk kuatkan telor before telor dia dan husband dia dikeluarkan untuk disenyawakan dekat luar. Bukan senang for some people nak conceived. After spend so much and the result is negative memang buat jiwa raga sesiapa pun goyah. Ape yang boleh buat, menangis dan mengadu pada Allah yang satu saja. Semua ini ada hikmah. Dengan keadaan diri I yang sedang mengandung, perut makin.membesar I cant help from feeling guilty. She must be very sad when have to face me everyday. I talked to myself, I wont talk about my baby in front of her. Before she went for long MCs, because she need to bedrest along the IVF process, she once told me, 'nanti baby kite lahir tahun yang sama'. Dia sangat rajin usap -usap perut I, moga melekat jugak dekat dia. One day she went to Secret Recipe and bought me the Choc Mud Cake. She said that she knew I love the cake, that's why she bought it and the baby inside mine must be happy. Only Allah knows how all of us want her to conceive too.
Hang in there sister. Allah have planned better days ahead for you and husband. :(

Then, a cousin of mine called me during Maghrib and told about another cousin who's been admitted to Columbia Asia. I istighfar banyak kali before asking her, due to what reason kena admitted. Penatt ya Allah. Rupanya due to bisul dekat bontot. Lega, not anything that serious. Tapi tetap risau knowing that he's alone to perform the surgery.

My emotion breakdown yesterday. Kita yang sihat ne syukur alhamdulillah. Yang mampu tolong, doa banyak-banyak and recite yassin. Moga-moga dipermudahkan segalanya. I reflect myself, nikmat mana yang mahu aku dustakan. Sombong sangat aku ne sampai tak rasa besyukur lagi dengan apa yang ada. I tangguh-tangguh nak sujud syukur sampai ke malam. Nak tido, I terfikir kalau I bangun esok pagi dan semua benda yang I ada sekelip mata hilang macam mana? Dah terlambat I nak sujud syukur. While husband's sleeping, I bangun and do things yang I should do always tapi dah lama tinggal. Nabi yang maksum tu pun tak pernah tinggal solat taubat apatah lagi I ne hamba Allah yang lemah, kenapa sombong sangat. I burst my tears out yang mana I tahan sepanjang hari. I pun tak tertahan apatah lagi yang memikul. I rasa berat dada ne. Jauhnya I beseronok dengan nikmat Allah tapi lupa nak berterimakasih.

Iman manusia turun naek dan I sangat rasa I at the lowest level of iman tapi I tetap kufur nikmat. Tak rasa nak tingkatkan diri. Sombong tak bertempat, rasa diri hebat. Tengok orang ne nak judge, rasa Allah dah sayang habis kat I, tapi sebenarnya I makin jauh bila Allah bagi ujian kesenangan kat I. Apa yang I nak kejar dalam hidup ne? Apa yang hebat sangat sampai lupa mati itu pasti, dunia hanya sementara, syurga itu selamanya. Pandang langit, ya Allah jauhnya aku dengan Allah. Tapi still tak berusaha nak dekatkan. Kalau Allah kat atas sana pandang I ne, agaknya tak nampak pun I ne tapi Allah tak pernah lupa nak bagi nikmat rezeki, kasih sayang, kesihatan kat I. Allah Maha Penyayang. Ya Allah, rasa diri sangat lemah, dan sememangnya sangat lemah. Ampuni dosaku ya Allah :(

Sorry that I just have to let it out. I feel like sebeban batu yang menghempap atas dada ne. I just have to remind myself especially and who knows it might touch others too. Moga kita semua dalam lindungan Allah. Inshaallah :)

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