Path.

Salam ;)

I am on study leave right now. Tomorrow is going to be my last paper for this semester. I hope that I can score A in both papers. Pray hard that my brain can functioning well tomorrow. Haha.

I had a long leave since last Monday. Great to be off from work for a while. But I still send my baby girl to parents-in-law's place for 3-4hours, or else I don't have time to study. 

I don't know, these few days made me thinking. Like, what do i want to do in life actually?

Where actually I'm heading to? Aku ni nak apa sebenarnya? Hmmmm.

Entahlah. Apa aku rambling sekarang pun taktau. But these are the things that keep running in my mind.

Conflict. At the moment, I cannot see myself being a housewife. To be a good mom, I cannot be SAHM. I know myself, I know my limit. Please don't take me wrongly, I love my baby girl so much. But, I know myself better. 

I always picture myself having a business and my time is flexible enough to attend my baby girl anytime I want to. You know things like going to work a little bit late, at least when the traffic is getting back to normal. Having lunch with my husband at the restaurant nearby my hubs office, buying groceries on weekdays noon while everyone still in the office. Things like that.

When my hubs and I are at KL during weekends, we always spend some time passing by the U-Thant road. Then, start berangan. Haha. The townhouse is big enough and I love the environment. I always wanted to have a house there. Usually hubs akan layan je angan-angan I ni and ejek-ejek I ni nak berjiran dengan expatriate aje. Haha. Last week, the first time ever he said he wanted to live there too. The only thing is, dengan makan gaji gini, mana la mampu. Memang sangat tak mungkin. 

I have one business proposal in my mind and I never told anyone about it. Perhaps it's too ambitious so I thought I don't have to share it with anyone. Setakat angan-angan gitu. I don't know, when hubs said he wanted a house in U-thant too, I terus cakap I have one business proposal in mind, later at night I will present to him. He said okay, and asked why him? For obvious reason, he's the only person I trust whole-heartedly. We never discuss something that serious before this, but everything went well. He likes my idea. Alhamdulillah. We are working towards it now. InshaALLAH. I don't know whether this is going to be big or not. But, it is worth trying. 

Apparently, it is not a house in U-thant that we both really want. We both want a financially stable life, stress-free life, flexible working hours and doing things that we love to do. We both have a very dear example, my parents runs a small business. It is just a small business, but they can afford to raise my brother and I. Stress free. They don't have any loan. They don't have to serve interest. Kalau meniaga sehari untung bersih RM50 sehari pun cukup kalau setakat nak makan mewah untuk dorang. Bahagia hidup. Mak I boleh beli barang kemas selalu, mak I tak payah risau pasal nak bayar Bank bila hujung bulan. 

So do with my parents-in-law. They have a business, but in bigger scale. Money is not an issue for them. Can afford to have few cars and don't have to worry when the car insurance is due. During the weekend, kalau anak-anak cakap nak pergi KLCC then pergi je. Takyah nak berkira kalau sorang anak nak kasut. Sorang anak lagi nak baju, nak toys, tak payah nak tunggu next gaji. 

Bukanlah we both nak hidup mewah. Boleh beli itu ini. What I'm trying to say is we both nak hidup yang takde la bulan-bulan fikir nak bayar bil itu ini, then nak beli barang lain kena tunggu gaji bulan depan. Kadang-kadang gaji bulan depan pun tak boleh nak beli lagi sebab teringat baju anak dah lama tak berganti. 

Hah, bercampur aduk punya cerita. I believed, most people has found their path. Nak buat ape in life whatsoever. Tapi bagi I yang mash tercari ni, memang conflict. With the current job yang memang still kena teruskan. Takkan nak drop everything macam tuh aje. 

I have a friend, she start a pretzel business in small scale last year. And now her business is getting bigger, she resigned from her current work and focus on her new business. And she now can finally say that she has found what she wanted to do in life at the age of 40. For some people, mudah je nampak hidup dorang. Umur 25 business dah stable and hidup selesa. But for some people, it may take years to realise it. I hope we are not to late for it.

Bukan senang

Salam :)

Happy 2014!!

Dah dekat 2 minggu masuk tahun baru, baru nak wish kan? Haha

Kalau berazam semuanya mesti berkait dengan hijrah. Menjadi yang lebih baik. I nak share one thing, but I am afraid people will take it mistakenly. 

How should I start????

I selalu berazam nak tutup aurat dengan sempurna. Betul-betul tutup aurat. Bukan setakat tutup kepala je. I start dengan labuhkan tudung lepas kawen. Hubs I background budak tahfiz. So, bila kekadang reunion atau lepak makan dengan kawan-kawan dia, I perasan I sorang je kot yang pakai tudung tak selabuh isteri kawan-kawan hubs. Majoriti isteri kawan hubs adalah dari background yang sama jugak. Dorang takde judge I or whatsoever. Even hubs didn't say anything. I sendiri yang segan. I tak nak malukan hubs.  And from time to time, I try labuhkan tudung. Sikit-sikit. Ambil masa nak sampai ke tahap kiri kanan depan tak nampak figure asset wanita tu. 

Bila bab labuh alhamdulillah inshaallah dah okay, kena jaga bab jarang tak jarang tudung tu jugak. Susah. Pada awal nya  sangat susah.

Apa yang I boleh cakap, bila tudung inshaallah dah okay, secara automatik kita rasa nak cuba jaga yang lain. 

Bagi I yang paling susah adalah nak tutup kaki berstokin. Handsocks inshaallah boleh dilaksana untuk baju-baju yang lengan tak cukup panjang. 

Since awal 2013, I was thinking to wear socks but I dont have the urge. Asyik bertangguh. Even selalu terlintas, tapi selalu buat endah tak endah. Somewhere mid october, rasa tu makin kuat. Di saat kehidupan menyesak dengan ujian, masa tu dah terasa, I need to change. 

The thing I am scared of is determination. Risau kalau hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Then, I texted a good friend of mine. Stated may nawaitu and I told her I need something to push me, which later she send me these messages: 

Seriously, when I read this I straight away order the socks online. (Btw, you can find it at ig @themahabbah & @staymodesty. Find the Sooka one, tak tebal sangat dan tak jarang dan berjejari). Masa order ni tiba-tiba rasa berkira nak spend 5socks at RM50 including postage. And then I delayed making payment. Almost 2weeks I delayed. Bergelak berdekah lah syaitan tengok seorang lagi hamba Allah bertangguh-tangguh. Tapi Allah sayang sangat dekat hamba yang seorang ni, Allah turunkan ujian. Tiba2 dari lutut ke pergelangan kaki jadi kering gila dan gatal-gatal. Gatal Ya Rabbi. Dok menggaru sampai naik bintik-bintik merah. What I did was, spend RM50 for Cetaphil face & body wash and RM75 for Kiehl's body lotion. What I am trying to say is, spend RM50 for socks was hard enough. But RM125 for body wash & lotion was like nothing. Susah sungguh bagi I untuk berubah. 

The skin from time to time is getting better. I forgot about the socks at all. I don't know, when I wake up one morning  after my prayer, all I want was making the socks payment. The first thing I did when I received the socks (at the office) was texting my hubs and told him that I want to wear socks. He only replied, 'Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah. I love you'. But I know, it's something meaningful for him. I started with wearing the socks during working hours. Masa tu rasa macam dah biggest achievement sangat. Haha. 

Tapi nak pakai pergi kedai runcit dekat rumah, pergi keluar makan kejap tu rasa malas nak pakai socks. Lecehnya lahai. Tapi hubs cakap, takpe pakai pergi ofis ja dulu. Biasakan. After some time, rasa dah biasa rasa pelik pulak tak pakai kalau keluar rumah. I am still struggling. InshaAllah moga-moga istiqamah. 

The challenges of course ada. First, mula-mula tu stock socks ada berapa helai ja, kena rajin basuh. Kadang-kadang socks semua tak basuh lagi, I gasak je keluar pakai kasut bertutup. Second, orang pandang pelik. Orang macam 'eh betul ke dia ni?'. Thirdly, kena hadap soalan-soalan macam 'mimpi apa semalam?', 'pergi ceramah mana ni?'. I told myself, nak buat benda baik memang kena sabar. Dugaan semua tu. 

I bermula dengan pakai dekat ofis. Senang sikit sebab kat ofis I super sejuk, so colleagues macam ingat I pakai socks sebab sejuk. Bila keluar lunch yang panas tu, rasa pelik sendiri sebab dok rasa awkward bajet orang usha aku lah kan? Hahaha. My advice, kalau first time nak berhijrah pakai socks, dont start with black socks. Rasa macam janggal dan sangat obvious. Start dengan skin color socks would be better. 

The good things yang I rasa lepas ber'socks' adalah I rasa kaki bersih, lembut ja. Kuku pun cantik. Patut lah Allah suruh tutup kaki kan? Indahnya janji Alllah. Satu lagi, bila betul-betul bertutup ni, I rasa selamat. At times memang I akan keluar sorang without hubs and Maryam (study week), I rasa selamat dari pandangan-pandangan lelaki ni. Bukan lah I nak cakap I hot ke apa, ni pasal pandangan yang lelaki sasarkan kita ni macam object. You know what I mean. Macam ada je benda yang dorang boleh bagi remarks. Tapi now dorang pun dah tak hingin pandang. Rasa macam hoi tak menarik nak tengok dah. Gitu la. Macam mana eh nak explain bagi tak salah faham??? I hope you get what I am trying to say. 

And paling obvious, bila dah berubah ni sikit, I rasa macam kalau I solat lambat ke ape macam takde makna. I bermonolog macam buat ape pakai socks kalau solat pun lambat. Buat ape pakai socks kalau baju pun tak cukup labuh. Gitu la. So, I will try my best to perform better each day. All the struggles within myself. 

Mak I sangat vocal. Kalau dia suruh solat and I was like give me 5 minutes. Mak will say, 'harapnya tak mati pada minit ke 3 la'. Sound harsh but truth hurts big time. Macam nak balik ofis petang-petang, I tunggu hubs lama sikit sebab dia nak Asar dulu, I selalu cakap solat kat rumah la. Hubs akan cakap kalau accident mati tengah jalan tak sempat Asar macam mana? Yep, I tak suka dorang sebut pasal mati ni, tapi sape lagi nak remind I pasal mati itu pasti? 

What I am trying to share here is, take small steps at a time. Don't rush. Yang penting tu istiqamah. Ikhlas. Salah satu cara nak istiqamah adalah dengan bagitau close people around us. Supaya dorang ada nak ingatkan kita bila terlupa, supaya rasa segan kalau tak buat. Macam I, I told hubs and close friends. So, kalau tiba-tiba rasa malas separuh jalan tu I jadi malu. Eh, bukan ke dia kata nak start pakai socks tapi kenapa tak buat lagik? Macam tulah. 

Nak buat ape-ape mesti datang dari hati jadi tak terasa macam dipaksa-paksa dan rasa perubahan tu sangat menyeksakan. Allah akan tolong kita. Yang penting, kena cari the push factor. Macam I, I taknak anak I membesar dengan menjadikan orang lain sebagai role model dia. It should be me. It should be us as her parents. Role model paling dekat. Paling ideal. I bukan nak bermegah riak bila cerita ni, tapi I nak share dengan orang-orang yang macam I. Yang nak berubah tapi teragak-agak. 

Pakai socks ni adalah benda paling payah I nak buat, sebab tu ape-ape pun I akan relate dengan pakai socks ni. Bukanlah bermaksud bila dah pakai socks ni macam benchmark dah jadi muslimah sejati. Bukan macam tu tau. Setiap orang ada struggle masing-masing. Dont get me wrong. 

And I am now working on taking care of my heart. Menjaga hati. Husnuzon. Bersangka baik. Gossips, mengumpat semua tu masih lagi ada dalam diri. I am working on it and I am far away from being truly Muslimah. Yep, I must say, who knows those pretty ladies yang tak bersocks, bertudung semua, hati dorang lebih baik dari I ni. So, don't judge. I tak suka bila dengar remarks dari orang yang bertutup litup ni macam, 'cuba tengok perempuan tu, kain tu tak boleh ketat lagi ke?'. Excuse me, kita taktau hati dia macam mana, iman dia tinggi mana? Entah-entah hati dia beribu kali ganda bersih nya. Solat nya cukup awal waktu, kebajikan orang tua dia terpelihara. Dijaganya ibu bapa dia sepenuh hati. Jadi, darjat siapa lebih tinggi di hadapan Allah? Kita taktau apa nilai kita di hadapan  Allah, jadi stop saying bad things about others, why not praying for others. Supaya sama darjat kita semua di depan Allah. Inshaallah. 

Sorry this is a lengthy post, but I do hope people not mistakenly perceived my writings and hopefully all of us are better than yesterday. Aminn :)